We have been trying to get pregnant for over three years. In that time my sister-in-law has got pregnant, had her kid. Kai’s sister-in law has gotten pregnant, had that kid. One of our close family friends has had two kids.
Besides that we have countless friends that have been able to successfully get pregnant. Successfully bring into this earth a new life.
For me, each time is like a punch to the chest. Mixed emotions and thoughts swirling around my head.
How long did they even try?
Why do they get a kid when we have been trying for so long?
They are going to grow up and have live completely separate from ours if we don’t have kids.
If we don’t have kids we will forever be in a different chapter of our lives.
For me, when a friend gets pregnant, especially for the first time, it is like losing them. I want so hard to be happy for them, but after about a year and half of trying I stopped trying to be happy for them. Stopped trying to force myself to feel something that I don’t.
I have grief. That is what I feel.
God chose you over me. You get the joy of having sex and making a baby. I get more doctor appointments, and sorrow over a future that may never come.
It isn’t fair to you for your joy to be tainted by my grief, so at this juncture it is best if we part ways.
I honestly wish I could feel joy, share the excitement. But I really don’t. I do think I have gotten better at faking it though so that is a plus.
Kai, on the other hand, amazing sweet Kai. He shares their joy with them. He is delighted to be an uncle every time he gets the news that someone else is pregnant. He celebrates with his friends when one finds out they are going to be a dad. I have never understood it, but I really appreciate it. He has always been so grounded in this moment he never takes grief from tomorrow and makes it today’s grief. I love him so so much for it.
Yes, at times it is really hard feeling alone in my grief – but to be honest, I need him to pull me out of that sometimes and remind me life is not all about making babies.
That was why this one really struck me. I woke up one morning to a text from my Mother-In-Law saying sometimes she feels like God is telling her He doesn’t want her to be sad, and that she wanted to share that with me. I wasn’t really feeling sad, so it was a bit confusing but I thought it was sweet.
That evening, I was driving with Kai and about to send a picture when it pulled up a picture I hadn’t seen before – an ultrasound. For some reason my phone automatically downloads WhatsApp messages, so I knew what it was. Someone just announced they were pregnant.
“I think someone is pregnant,” I told Kai, scrolling through my phone.
He was driving but he took my phone out of my hand.
“I saw it come in this morning on my phone,” he started. “I took your phone away and removed the notification so you wouldn’t see it. It’s Diane. She is pregnant.”
Diane is the finance of Kai’s cousin Henry. From what I could tell, Henry was the person Kai was closest to when growing up. They were about the same age and spent some really good times together.
We both sat in the silence for a long time, just thinking. Finally, it was Kai who spoke.
“Henry is going to be a Father…”